We’re all guilty of it. The no-brainer ice-breaker. When the chill is on, nothing works like baiting your convo with easy global issues. It’s the social equivalent of fishing with dynamite, and its usually a last ditch effort when dealing with the general well-drink drunk fare. If you’re not clued in, here’s a cheat sheet to help separate you from 2010’s old news:
1. The Economy
So you’re fingering that singular twenty dollar bill in your pocket, doing Ben Bernake level math on how to stop the night from going into permanent recession. You’ve already blown your original stimulus package in a series of backroom exchanges, and shit’s looking weary. Here’s a tip – instead of explaining away your poverty with the ol’ “Oh man, this economy, right?” routine, do your Andrew Jackson proud by closing out, tipping well, and making a grand exit. Oh, and bring more money next time.
2. Going Green
When you’re finding the toxicity levels of some pop-collared, pomade-glazed Gap clone to be a threat your night’s sustainability, it can be easy to mount this hybrid-powered high horse. While drilling this bloated buzzword may provide a quick conversational resource, spilling the environmental spiel may ground you a few unsuspecting birds, at best. By the end of the night, you’ll be looking for the strongest industrial oil-based solvents to remove the smell of dead fish and dreads from yourself.
3. Social Media
The cocktail napkin industry must be suffering, hard. Once a linchpin of after-hours networking, they now only serve to wipe endlessly updating smartphone screens. Bringing up the “connectedness” of the shrinking global social framework mid-tweet may seem like a worldly bid for followers, but it’ll go as unnoticed as a dance-floor butt-pocket notification. Unless you’re planning to gain reception with stuffy, cultural studies grad school types, keep your virtual overtures away from your live self.
4. Natural Disasters
Bar-room Bonos are a dime a dozen. Making a catchy ethical hook by riffing on your first world empathies for the miseries of others is a douchey way of starting any late-night set. Even if you’ve shoveled food packages for the U.N., no one really wants to see pictures of you posing in faux Ray-Bans next to earthquake and monsoon victims. It’s a sanctimonious form of category-five social positioning that’ll have most around you seeking immediate shelter.
5. Drug Legalization
Getoverit. We’ve managed this far. Kumbaya-based projections on the possibilities of “legalizing it” just take up everyone else’s time. Seriously, pass it already.
A New Year, Time We Make Some Changes