Jan.
07
2011
Die Faster: 5 Trend Deaths in 2010

It seems that in today’s trigger happy tech world, trends have shorter and shorter life-spans. Are we witness to an evolution of the meme? Is the ever-growing internet monster gobbling up our icons so quickly that cultural staples are no longer possible? Personally, I like to think of it as trimming the fat; here are five trends that I sure as hell won’t be sad to wave goodbye to. As Duke Nukem (and probably a few Assange exposed war criminals) said, “Kill em all, let god sort em out.”

5. Silly Bands

Only in America would a collection of dingy little, poorly shaped strings of plastic – costing probably half a yen to produce at most – be sold at a dollar a pack in convenience stores nationwide. The only upside I saw to these nausea-inducing neon bracelets was watching little brats’ fingers turn blue from lack of circulation.

I wonder if 2010 will set a benchmark in pre-teen, wrist-down amputation…

4. Ashlee Simpson

I almost feel like giving credit to the girl; she was probably the funniest part of three years worth of SNL skits. Her famous 2009, lip-synch-gone-wrong performance on the show almost makes you feel bad for her, in a, “I hope you end your night in suicide” kind of way. Oh, and the absolute smut she peddled to the media in Marie Claire (the kind of teen magazine I really only enjoy with a bottle of lotion and a noose), about her being, “tired of Hollywood’s twisted view of Femininity,” was classic. She got a nose job before its pretty pages hit the stands, and those of us who cared have enjoyed watching her career pull a David Blain. Wait, I meant entertaining.

Goodbye Ashlee. Your career is somewhere in the 2010 obituaries, if anyone cared to look. You were the bastard child of Milli and Vanilli, minus the talent. But hey, thanks for the rug-burns on my neck.

3. Lolcats (Icanhascheezburger)

Am I alone when I say no one has ever cared about the silly things your cat does? I know it reads your mind, and understands when you speak to it. I know Egyptians worshiped them, and they (kind of) curtailed the spread of the black plague by stifling the rodent population (think of all the eurotrash we could’ve avoided!), but frankly, sewing it cute little costumes is just creepy.

Look, they ruthlessly murdered Tommy from Trainspotting. A lot of people were really upset. But this guy got those pesky felines back.

To quote my uncle, the undertaker, “The only good pussy, is dead pussy.”

2. Lost

it was a potpourri of bad acting, whimsical storylines, and over the top plot twists. The Finale left everyone disappointed, with a more than a few of us scratching our heads (the slow buffalo of the heard). No, they didn’t all die. And yes, a lot of questions went unanswered. Here’s my biggest question; how would sex between that fat bastard and the blonde chick work? I heard this move works for husky gents…

I’m sure they’ll replace you with some other primetime gobbldey-gook. But it’s time you get lost, Lost.

1. 4Loko

I don’t think I’ll be happy to see it go, but my liver sure as hell will. Something about the copious amounts of caffeine mixed with crackhead wine really sets a benchmark on my “fucked-upedness” scale. And honestly, my penis’ll probably prance with glee at the thought of all the fat-girl-bullets it’ll dodge. One thing I will miss; pissing neon colors the next day.

So folks, as we press on into this new decade, try not to forget the scars we acquired in 2010. From the death of Michael Jackson’s legacy, to the rise of the abominable white snow journalist , to all the in-betweens, we’ll miss you 2010.

-JV

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