People of the world, you must understand that we are now in the midst of one of the most annoying days of the year. Coming second only to those holidays where you gather around your family and have them tell you about your life, New Years Day is pretty much the worst thing imaginable.
No, it’s not because of the hangover or the STD you picked up the previous night. On this day, you are forced to listen to everyone talk about their resolution. Resolutions are usually some asinine shit that people claim will somehow better them. Yeah, losing X pounds is going to greatly improve the quality of you as a person, good luck winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Who needs to be a better person? That’s so passé. Do you even realize how annoying you are? This New Years Day, I implore you, make a conscious effort to be a worse person. For example, take up heroin. Not for you? Try utilizing the services of hookers more often. If all else fails, murder is pretty fun and healthy. Just do something depraved, that is all I ask of you.
It’s not all bad, I suppose, DJ Earworm always releases “The United States of Pop” around this time. That’s usually something to look forward to.
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