Driverless cars are real, and you’ll probably have one within a decade - unless a certain sinister neo-prohibitionist ‘nonprofit’ gets its way. While Google tests the first generation of autonomous vehicles in the remote Nevada desert, the nascent technology faces a legal threat from an unlikely opponent: Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

How Our Parents Ruined America: Part 2

Tropiganda has uncovered irrefutable evidence that MADD has been actively lobbying against the driverless car on the federal level as well as in several key states, including Nevada, where Google’s project is based. Supporters argue that MADD has every right to invest in its own survival, though critics point out that MADD is a nonprofit organization and as such, it is exempt from paying taxes but eligible to receive funding from the government, which it happily does on a regular basis. Opponents also decry the use of public funds to effectively asphyxiate the future, comparing it to GM’s efforts to make cars less gas efficient throughout the 1970′s-80′s.

It’s a classic case of entrenched interests facing impending obsolescence: MADD is just looking out for its own survival, like any profit-driven corporation would be under laissez-faire capitalism. The company and its executives have a strict fiduciary duty to their investors, and Google is getting in the way of that duty. Launching a preemptive strike on the driverless car is the only logical course of action. It worked on the electric car, it can work now.

It’s not that they’re stifling innovation for its own sake: they have a vested interest in keeping people behind the wheel. You see, MADD shares a twisted symbiotic relationship with the drunk drivers it demonizes. Like Republicans and terrorism, MADD needs a healthy flow of ‘evil’ drunk drivers to legitimize its existence.

The Victim Impact Panel

If cars suddenly drove themselves around, MADD would be left without a purpose, and then who would pay for the executives’ bonuses? Who would admonish our bright-eyed teenagers with scenes of violent tragedy in the hopes that their God-given disposition for getting fucked up and wanting to drive home will be abandoned?

MADD is a treatment, not a cure. The organization doesn’t recognize that it sells a holistic solution to an overblown, under-represented problem, a temporary anomaly from an obsolete era. People will always drink, but pretty soon we won’t have to drive. Fuck you, MADD.

Welcome to the Future, Bitches

Google’s driverless cars sound like straight up science fiction: a real, live fleet of supercars stacked with so much silicon and circuitry that they’ve nearly achieved sentience. The search giant surprised the world last year by announcing that it not only had the technology to create driverless cars, but that it already had actual working driverless cars. Apparently, autonomous vehicles have been operating in California for almost 2 years now, but we can’t have them yet. Why? It’s those fucking Baby Boomers again.

Fortunately for both progressives and functioning alcoholics, the tide is turning. Google recently ordered its lobbyists into the fray with the goal of convincing lawmakers that the time for the driverless car has come, and lawmakers seem to be listening. At the time of writing, the Great State of Nevada is the first and only state to have passed legislation in Google’s favor, but in light of the fact that we’re talking about cars that drive themselves, the other 49 states won’t be far behind.

Progress?

Our children will never know the delicate joy of seeing police lights in the rear view; they’ll never learn how to stay between the lines; they’ll never know the putrid stink of a piss-crusted drunk tank in county jail. Cheers.

Part 1 - Blame The ‘Baby Boom’: How Our Parents Ruined America
Coming up: Ronald Fucking Reagan, Global Warming: Averted

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