Cooling Sun Will Offset Perceived Warming Trend, Climate Change ‘No Longer A Threat’

The threat of global warming has been narrowly averted, scientists say. Thanks to a mysterious drop-off in solar activity, which astronomers say corresponds to an extended solar minimum, humanity will be spared the long centuries of unimaginable pain and hardship expected to follow catastrophic climate collapse.

Researchers at the Institute for American Families this week submitted a 400 page report on the legitimacy and possible economic impact of claims by a slim minority of climatologists that the planet was undergoing an irreversible warming phase. The paper, which was not submitted for peer review, found that while the planet was indeed warming, the phenomenon was anthropogenic in nature. More importantly, the research shows that the warming period coincides with a phase of weak solar activity known as a solar minimum.

Known to occur every few centuries, solar minimums are periods where sunspots occur infrequently and the Sun emits slightly less energy, causing temperatures on Earth to dip by an expected 2-4 degrees Fahrenheit. Even the most pessimistic projections for global climate change predict a maximum mean temperature rise of 5 degrees Fahrenheit, meaning the cooling effect of the solar minimum will effectively cancel out the temperature increase expected from naturally occurring climate change.

Act of God?

The article’s authors were also keen to note that “The timing of it, and the fact that they cancel each other out so perfectly, I’m willing to bet there’s a higher intelligence behind it all,” said a leading scientist. When briefed on the report’s findings, one member of the Congressional Climate Panel said “I dont know if God put a stop to global warming, but I do know He put a stop to the radical liberal agenda, but good!” The Republican Congressman, who was elected in the Tea Party Revolution of 2010, continued: “I just know the Good Lord wouldn’t let something like global warming happen to America, and I think everyday Americans agree with me.” According to another recently published study, over 78% of Americans do not believe in man-made climate change.

Liberals Ignore Findings

Democrats and other left wing heathens (pictured right) have largely ignored the reports findings, which will inform the policy-making efforts of the Republican-controlled House and allow the GOP to set the terms for future negotiations regarding the environment. “This new understanding of climate science makes it clear that emissions, and therefore oil, are in no way to blame for climate change,” said one Republican House leader.

Climate Conspiracy’s “Last Stand”

The liberal media has resorted to launching a new disinformation campaign, which should come as no surprise given that the research debunks two key points in their radical agenda: man-made global warming and atheism. The findings will likely derail liberal efforts to seek out renewable energy resources, spelling an end to unfair subsidies that have been impeding American oil companies. In light of this new damning evidence, even Former Vice-President Al Gore has rejoined the brawl in what appears to be the last stand for the great climate change hoax:

(How Our Parents Ruined America: Part 4)

Afterword: Not With A Bang, But With A Whimper

This has been a production of Tropiganda’s super-post-modern division. If you’ve stuck around this long, you know that this series was about history repeating itself and the people who like it that way.

@Tropiganda - Really Fucking Meta.

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