Jul.
04
2011
Ronald Fucking Reagan.

It’s 1980. The baby boomers are in their 20′s and 30′s and constitute the largest voting bloc in the country. The prohibition-inquisition known as MADD has just been established by a roving band of profiteering harpies. The oil shock of 1979 just shook America to its sludgy black core, and the Communist threat is as prevalent as ever. The baby boomers are afraid, and naturally they turn to a strong, charismatic leader to save them.

Ronald Reagan wins the presidential election barely or by a landslide, depending on who you ask, with a respectable 422 electoral votes and a laughable 51% of the popular vote. Conservative nuts are busting all over the country, and the founding fathers are turning in their graves.

How Our Parents Ruined America: Part 3

It’s telling that the baby boomers, once politically empowered, chose Ronald Reagan, the star of many of their favorite childhood films, to lead the country. The American Way was under attack, and Reagan burned with a seemingly unshakable confidence. The old-time actor probably reminded many of them of their fathers. Some say he was the Tom Cruise of his time, while others compare him to a hard right Arnold Schwarzenegger. Either way, when oil prices started skyrocketing in ’79, Americans rallied behind Reagan and rushed headlong into a Republican trap.

As the oldest man elected President, the onset of senility had rendered Ronald Reagan a mindless puppet. With a baby boomer mandate and a Neocon arm shoved cleanly up his ass at all times, Reagan went on to severely fuck up our country in the name of corporate greed.

Here are his 3 main accomplishments:

  1. He Escalated the War on Drugs

    Reagan’s policies stuffed tens of thousands of nonviolent offenders into hardened state prisons. He painted drug users as dangerous criminals because they constitute a subset of the population in which minority groups are disproportionately represented. The War on Drugs, better known as the Campaign to Charge People of Color With Felonies So They Can Never Vote, has left a trail of broken homes and shattered lives in its wake. The Neocons know exactly what they’re doing here; they don’t give an elephant’s ass if drugs are good or bad. The War on Drugs is a campaign to actively destabilize urban populations through intimidation and incarceration, while giving the public yet another existential threat to live in fear of.

  2. He Sucked Corporate Dick

    The Republicans had let the economy tank during Carter’s last year in office, knowing that when Reagan won the election, the economy would bounce back, and they could use it as proof that their pro-corporate policies work. When the oil shock abated and the economy recovered, Reagan gave corporations the biggest tax breaks in US history. In doing so, he also eliminated what had historically been one of the federal government’s primary sources of revenue. He also deregulated the shit out of the markets and eliminated consumer protections, allowing his fellow conservatives to pillage the economy as they saw fit. Like the paragon of laissez-faire capitalism he was, Reagen erased two hundred years of progress in regards to corporate law, and made a lot of his rich friends even richer in the process.

  3. He Blew All Our Money

    Reagan didn’t just ravage the nation’s coffers; he practically invented the national debt. By the time he left office, the federal deficit had almost tripled, ballooning to $2.85 trillion over the course of his eight year term. Reagan’s policies were so expensive, Congress had to rubber stamp a higher debt ceiling nearly every week while continuing to cut social services. Meanwhile, tax rates for the wealthiest Americans had been halved.

    They called this policy Reaganomics and sold it on the promise that if the rich got richer, some of the wealth would inevitably “trickle down” to the lower classes. Urine-jokes aside, the unfortunate reality is that tax breaks for the super-rich don’t pay for themselves, and the loss of this income means the government has to learn to get by on much less money or find the money somewhere else. The drop in revenue then becomes an excuse to axe social programs and curtail spending, and the wealth gap grows ever larger.

Happy Independence Day.


Series:

Part 1 – Blame The ‘Baby Boom’: How Our Parents Ruined America

Part 2 – MADD VS The Driverless Car

Part 3 – Ronald Fucking Reagan.

Coming up: Part 4: Global Warming: Averted?

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